Sunday, December 19, 2010


Disclaimer: Since noone reads this and I hardly ever post I guess it doesn't matter what I put here. However, if you are religious or non-religious, spiritual or non-spiritual, or are just easily offended and high strung about things pertaining to the said issues, please read no further.

So i have been through alot since October. Things that I will never mention have happened. Ultimately I have come to this conclusion; there are some of us here on this earth that seem to have been forgotten about. It seems to me that we never get anywhere in life no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we pray. It is as if our prayers are clutter on god's floor that is swept under his rug because we are his forgotten children. He doesnt care whether we are safe. He doesnt care if we are hurting. He doesnt care if we have enough to eat or if we have a place to stay warm. he has forgotten about us. We have been cut loose because of our struggles. Oh you didn't go on an LDS mission? That's too bad. Oh you have a hard time with the word of wisdom? Sorry you aren't cut out for service to me. Oh and you have a mental illness? Well that just won't do. See what I am getting at? If we aren't Johnny fucking Returned Missionary we are considered inferior. Well I am tired of being one of God's forgotten. Starting today he will start to remember because I am going to do everything I can to convince people. My own little war against God. We will see if he really notices me or not. You know it's hard to believe he pays attention when he has children and worlds "numbered more than the sands of the sea".

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Out Of The Ashes

Today would be fast Sunday once again. I have been thinking today about life and the strange places that it can take a person. It seems that we can have our lives all planned out how we think that they should be and be going down the path that we desire, and suddenly in an instant we can find ourselves on a path that is unfamiliar and we become fearful. However, when we look into the distance and see the path which we once trod we can see the big picture of it. And that it leads to nowhere. So we start down our new path full of fear and anxiety with flames behind us all the way. As we journey on we start to realize that these flames are lighting our way as we travel and that out of the aftermath and ashes of a life once lived something better and more beautiful can grow. This is when we really find ourselves. The fear will disappear and we will live our lives from now on with reckless abandon knowing that we are being watched over by a higher power that is bigger than ourselves. And all along the path that we have walked we are leaving a trail of beauty and good despite the violence of the flames. Sometimes the most violent and painful of circumstances can make us something more than we could have ever become by ourselves. We become born again and a new being on every level of existence. and our spirits are made free from the worry and fear that once governed our lives. We can live and see with new eyes and capture the beauty and meaning in everything that we have been through. I am so grateful for my life experience. It has made me who I am. And who I am is something more than I ever could have imagined. I hope and pray to God that each of us will come to realize our true selves and the true importance which we hold in the grand scheme of things that at times can feel like total chaos. For out of chaos is beauty born and people made. Amen.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Fast Sunday

So today is fast Sunday. I am currently unable to bear my testimony in church so I thought this would be a good place to do it. Today I was sitting in Sunday school and the phrase "Anchor of hope" came into my mind. Followed by the following: We live in a world of so much sadness and despair. There is so much hate, war, depression, disease of every kind physical, mental, and emotional. Our world's financial system is coming apart at the seems. There are many with no way to provide for their families anymore. There are many who have lost everything they hold dear. Marriages and families are being destroyed in mass waves. Indeed there is plenty in this world to feel hopeless about. Life seems to transforming into a massive tsunami of horrible situations. And among all of the chaotic waves and wind and trembling of the earth, there is but one place which is calm. An Anchor Of Hope. Christ is the Anchor Of Hope for all existence. He knows what it is like, for He was a Man of Sorrows in His own life. He also knows what is best for each of us and that as long as we are not dead we are making progress. Even when we stumble and fall backwards it is progress. We get to repeat our process over again with knowledge we didn't have before. Tell me that this is not progress. I dare you. He will hold us fast in our lives and give us the hope we need to continue our cause. I don't know why I chose to write this today. Maybe because I, more than anyone, need this message, and now it is recorded tangibly for me to read next time I fall. I want to close this entry with some advice from the master. "Be still, and know that I am God" (D&C 101:16). Happy Fast Sunday

Thursday, October 1, 2009

It's the return of the......

...Revolutionary. As I sit down to write this I am not sure what direction it will take. I have been a little bit depressed lately. I have in my room a picture of myself, Kerissa, and Savannah when we were sealed in the temple. I look at it every morning before I leave for work. It is a really nice picture of us taken from ground level with us looking down and the spires of the temple in the background and the angel Moroni. I look at myself in the picture and see someone who is fearless and full of faith and clean. I then start to feel so disappointed in myself because I have had the spirit so strong with me once, and I wonder how I could ever let go of that. I have begun to feel that I am in a hole I may never climb out of. I am really struggling with my smoking still and it is frustrating because it is the last bastion of what I must change to be really clean. A thought just occurred to me. I can't climb out of this hole. I must be lifted. If I pick myself up and just start to climb the lord will give me help from above and I will be lifted back onto solid ground. If I but have the faith to begin again. I need to gain that faith. Thus far in my struggles I have been full of fear. Fear and faith cannot inhabit the space. Just as a room cannot be full of light and darkness at the same time. I hope and pray that my faith may be as a candle on a candlestick to light my life and drive out the fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of what I might become if I lead a clean and temple worthy life. It has seemed to me that when I am blazing the path that I was meant to in this life that the armies of hell and Satan constantly assail me with any number of obstacles. However when I lay low and follow another path that is not the one I am meant to follow I seem to be left alone. I choose now to follow the path that the lord wants me to. I know the path may be spiritually difficult and I will encounter many adversaries and obstacles. But it is what I must do. It is what I was born to do. And like in Lehi's dream if I but hold to the rod, which is the word of God, I have nothing fear. For the lord will be with me and will not let me fail. With him all things are possible. In the words of the prophet Nephi, "If the lord commanded me to say to the sea, be dry land, I could say it and it would be dry land." So if the lord can do that, then he can help me live the life I am supposed to be living. Keep fighting the good fight.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Maybe I'll Catch Fire...

So I drove to ogden and back today. I have been having a pretty rough time lately. I have alot of mixed emotions surrounding my dad being on death's doorstep. He has Lou Gerhig's disease and is in the final stages of it. Anyway as I was driving I was listening to my ipod on shuffle and a song came up called Maybe I'll catch Fire by Alkaline trio. I don't know that I have ever heard a song paint a picture of what it is like to deal with addictions. So I thought I would post the lyrics so all of you who read my blog can get an insight of what it is like if you don't already know. 
Here goes:

This house is full of ears,
But I can't talk to anyone.
They've heard this one a thousand times.
Most exciting thing I do,
Hang half way out a third floor window,
And throw lit cigarettes down.

And maybe I'll catch fire. 
Something warm to hold me,
Something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind.
All that evil shit's not hard to find.
I guess I only claim to be nice.

This house is full of eyes,
But I can't look at anyone.
They've seen this face a thousand times.
The most relaxing thing I do,
Hang half way out a third floor window,
And look at rocks if I fall out.

I pray that I'll fall hard.
Something tough to break me,
Something sharp to rip into my insides and bleed out all that pain.
Sorry I don't even know your name.
I guess for me it's easy this way.

Maybe I'll catch fire.
Something warm to hold me,
Something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind.
All that evil shit's not hard to find.
I guess I only claim to be nice.
Sorry for the couple swears in that. I just felt that I needed to post it the way they say it. Hope noone is offended.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I started following a blog called POGA today. I just found it by clicking the next blog button on accident. I found this quote on there from the author Wayne Pitchko. "It is very hard to grow, because it is difficult to let go of the models of ourselves in which we have invested so heavily" Interesting. I like it.

The Strength Of A Soul

It's interesting how I can never seem to find strength when I am searching for it. I will try all that I know to do to find strength and for some reason it eludes me. Then, when it seems as if I am like a fighter about to be knocked out, strength finds me. Most times in the most unexpected of circumstances. Today I have had some very good interaction with someone who is also a revolutionary and they don't even know it. The person that I am talking about has battled every form of addiction, attempted suicide many times, is diagnosed with a mental illness that I don't believe he has, and is still here and still fighting. He has been homeless, he has been unemployed, he feels as if he has been abandoned by those who are supposed to be helping in his fight, and still he fights on. He does his best to be the best person he can be. When he told me his story I was nothing short of amazed. I thought to myself, "How can this guy still be here? After all the suicide attempts, drug overdoses, battles with the father of lies, and abandonment? Yet still he stands in there and trades punches with the dark forces with reckless abandon." My answer is the strength of his soul. I am convinced that he has the soul of one of the Lord's most elite soldiers in this fight. Not only this but I know that, even with all of his shortcomings, the Lord is having his angels stand on his right and on his left. They are going before him and they are at his rearward. And those that are with him are more than those who are against him. Through talking with him I feel a renewed energy and strength in my own soul. I have pledged to myself and my savior that I will try to be more Christlike today than yesterday. And most importantly I have pledged to never, never, never give up. No matter what the cost. No matter what the circumstances. No matter how I may be tossed about by the crashing blows of my adversary. I will stand in there and trade punches until my savior will say unto me, "Well done my good and faithful servant, enter into my kingdom."