...Revolutionary. As I sit down to write this I am not sure what direction it will take. I have been a little bit depressed lately. I have in my room a picture of myself, Kerissa, and Savannah when we were sealed in the temple. I look at it every morning before I leave for work. It is a really nice picture of us taken from ground level with us looking down and the spires of the temple in the background and the angel Moroni. I look at myself in the picture and see someone who is fearless and full of faith and clean. I then start to feel so disappointed in myself because I have had the spirit so strong with me once, and I wonder how I could ever let go of that. I have begun to feel that I am in a hole I may never climb out of. I am really struggling with my smoking still and it is frustrating because it is the last bastion of what I must change to be really clean. A thought just occurred to me. I can't climb out of this hole. I must be lifted. If I pick myself up and just start to climb the lord will give me help from above and I will be lifted back onto solid ground. If I but have the faith to begin again. I need to gain that faith. Thus far in my struggles I have been full of fear. Fear and faith cannot inhabit the space. Just as a room cannot be full of light and darkness at the same time. I hope and pray that my faith may be as a candle on a candlestick to light my life and drive out the fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of what I might become if I lead a clean and temple worthy life. It has seemed to me that when I am blazing the path that I was meant to in this life that the armies of hell and Satan constantly assail me with any number of obstacles. However when I lay low and follow another path that is not the one I am meant to follow I seem to be left alone. I choose now to follow the path that the lord wants me to. I know the path may be spiritually difficult and I will encounter many adversaries and obstacles. But it is what I must do. It is what I was born to do. And like in Lehi's dream if I but hold to the rod, which is the word of God, I have nothing fear. For the lord will be with me and will not let me fail. With him all things are possible. In the words of the prophet Nephi, "If the lord commanded me to say to the sea, be dry land, I could say it and it would be dry land." So if the lord can do that, then he can help me live the life I am supposed to be living. Keep fighting the good fight.
So I drove to ogden and back today. I have been having a pretty rough time lately. I have alot of mixed emotions surrounding my dad being on death's doorstep. He has Lou Gerhig's disease and is in the final stages of it. Anyway as I was driving I was listening to my ipod on shuffle and a song came up called Maybe I'll catch Fire by Alkaline trio. I don't know that I have ever heard a song paint a picture of what it is like to deal with addictions. So I thought I would post the lyrics so all of you who read my blog can get an insight of what it is like if you don't already know.
This house is full of ears, But I can't talk to anyone. They've heard this one a thousand times. Most exciting thing I do, Hang half way out a third floor window, And throw lit cigarettes down.
And maybe I'll catch fire. Something warm to hold me, Something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind. All that evil shit's not hard to find. I guess I only claim to be nice.
This house is full of eyes, But I can't look at anyone. They've seen this face a thousand times. The most relaxing thing I do, Hang half way out a third floor window, And look at rocks if I fall out.
I pray that I'll fall hard. Something tough to break me, Something sharp to rip into my insides and bleed out all that pain. Sorry I don't even know your name. I guess for me it's easy this way.
Maybe I'll catch fire. Something warm to hold me, Something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind. All that evil shit's not hard to find. I guess I only claim to be nice.
Sorry for the couple swears in that. I just felt that I needed to post it the way they say it. Hope noone is offended.
I started following a blog called POGA today. I just found it by clicking the next blog button on accident. I found this quote on there from the author Wayne Pitchko."It is very hard to grow, because it is difficult to let go of the models of ourselves in which we have invested so heavily"Interesting. I like it.
It's interesting how I can never seem to find strength when I am searching for it. I will try all that I know to do to find strength and for some reason it eludes me. Then, when it seems as if I am like a fighter about to be knocked out, strength finds me. Most times in the most unexpected of circumstances. Today I have had some very good interaction with someone who is also a revolutionary and they don't even know it. The person that I am talking about has battled every form of addiction, attempted suicide many times, is diagnosed with a mental illness that I don't believe he has, and is still here and still fighting. He has been homeless, he has been unemployed, he feels as if he has been abandoned by those who are supposed to be helping in his fight, and still he fights on. He does his best to be the best person he can be. When he told me his story I was nothing short of amazed. I thought to myself, "How can this guy still be here? After all the suicide attempts, drug overdoses, battles with the father of lies, and abandonment? Yet still he stands in there and trades punches with the dark forces with reckless abandon." My answer is the strength of his soul. I am convinced that he has the soul of one of the Lord's most elite soldiers in this fight. Not only this but I know that, even with all of his shortcomings, the Lord is having his angels stand on his right and on his left. They are going before him and they are at his rearward. And those that are with him are more than those who are against him. Through talking with him I feel a renewed energy and strength in my own soul. I have pledged to myself and my savior that I will try to be more Christlike today than yesterday. And most importantly I have pledged to never, never, never give up. No matter what the cost. No matter what the circumstances. No matter how I may be tossed about by the crashing blows of my adversary. I will stand in there and trade punches until my savior will say unto me, "Well done my good and faithful servant, enter into my kingdom."
A revolution has bugun. All over the world. Most of us see it and all of us experience it, though we don't realize what is going on. I am sure that most people if not everyone has personal battles. I know I have had and am having my fair share. We are revolutionaries of a new time, revolutionaries of a new age. Sure there are the old kind of revolutionaries who fight wars for their freedom, instigate coups and overthrow tyrranical governments, and speak out against all sorts of inhumane injustices that we all know are taking place in the world. Our revolution is different. Our revolution is, for lack of a better term, eternal. Our leader is the ultimate revolutionary. Our enemy, the ultimate tyrant. We are all waging this war for our souls. Whether we are battling an addiction to pornography, drugs, booze, pain, or self doubt, it is the same enemy we fight against. If you haven't figured it out by now I will tell you who the players are. Our leader; the ultimate revolutionary, is He who is the same from the beginning, the ultimate defender of our eternal freedom, our Rock, Jesus Christ. Our enemy is the father of lies who would have us believe that we can do no better than our current state. And that he has the power to make us happy. Honestly he is very good at this. I know from my own experience that when you are in the throes of your addiction it does feel very good. However when all is said and done you are left with a feeling of self-contempt, lowliness of heart and disbelief at what you have become. This is a great tool that he uses in this cyclical process. The act we perform makes us feel good, the aftermath is unpleasant to say the least, so we seek to perform the act once more as a way to release ourselves from our unpleasant feelings. It is the most vicious and disheartening experience I can imagine. The point of my blog is to unite all who are revolutionaries. All who are battling something. All who feel that there is no way out of the vicious cycle they have fallen into. And to stand up, stand firm, and declare with all of our energies, NO!!!! We will not go quietly. We will not go easily. We will fight tooth and nail. You will have to give your all for every inch you get. As it has been said before, "It will not be easy, But it will be worth it."