Thursday, October 1, 2009

It's the return of the......

...Revolutionary. As I sit down to write this I am not sure what direction it will take. I have been a little bit depressed lately. I have in my room a picture of myself, Kerissa, and Savannah when we were sealed in the temple. I look at it every morning before I leave for work. It is a really nice picture of us taken from ground level with us looking down and the spires of the temple in the background and the angel Moroni. I look at myself in the picture and see someone who is fearless and full of faith and clean. I then start to feel so disappointed in myself because I have had the spirit so strong with me once, and I wonder how I could ever let go of that. I have begun to feel that I am in a hole I may never climb out of. I am really struggling with my smoking still and it is frustrating because it is the last bastion of what I must change to be really clean. A thought just occurred to me. I can't climb out of this hole. I must be lifted. If I pick myself up and just start to climb the lord will give me help from above and I will be lifted back onto solid ground. If I but have the faith to begin again. I need to gain that faith. Thus far in my struggles I have been full of fear. Fear and faith cannot inhabit the space. Just as a room cannot be full of light and darkness at the same time. I hope and pray that my faith may be as a candle on a candlestick to light my life and drive out the fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of what I might become if I lead a clean and temple worthy life. It has seemed to me that when I am blazing the path that I was meant to in this life that the armies of hell and Satan constantly assail me with any number of obstacles. However when I lay low and follow another path that is not the one I am meant to follow I seem to be left alone. I choose now to follow the path that the lord wants me to. I know the path may be spiritually difficult and I will encounter many adversaries and obstacles. But it is what I must do. It is what I was born to do. And like in Lehi's dream if I but hold to the rod, which is the word of God, I have nothing fear. For the lord will be with me and will not let me fail. With him all things are possible. In the words of the prophet Nephi, "If the lord commanded me to say to the sea, be dry land, I could say it and it would be dry land." So if the lord can do that, then he can help me live the life I am supposed to be living. Keep fighting the good fight.


  1. Mike, I am glad you are writing again, you are very inspirational when you write.
    I just want you to know that while your immediate family of Kerissa, and your kids are your biggest supporters, you also have your extended family who stands behind you and prays for you often to reach the goals you are striving so much to reach. We have faith in you, and believe in your potential and have always been thankfull for the part of our family that you are no matter what.
    I love that you use the picture of your family the day you were sealed in the temple as motivation each day, keep doing that, its special, and if you want someday we can get an updated version for you guys. : )
    Stay strong Mike, we love you!

  2. I'm glad to see you posted again. I haven't checked in a while. I love when you write - you really have a way of making me feel what you are feeling. It's a gift. I want to let you know that you are a lot stronger than you think and you have a lot of people pulling for you. Your Heavenly Father will help you if you let him. I think it says somewhere that if you even have a desire to believe that you'll be helped. Or faith the size of a mustard seed, which is really small. You're on the right path and you'll get to where you want to go.

    Besides, when things start getting hard you have to just remember that Satan knows he's losing a great battle with you. He knows how good you WILL be and what a great influence you will be on people and he doesn't want that.